Nervous about work

You can learn the products but not the attitude.
Tomorrow is an opportunity to learn and meet new people.
You don’t have to be an instant super star.
Give yourself a break.
Control the controlables.
You will do fine.
Enjoy it.
It’s okay to be nervous.
It’s excitement.
Completely natural.
No more anticipation and fear of the unexpected.
Get it over and done with.
Pull off the bandage.
It is time.
You want this.
Remember Mum learnt accounts.
Brother learnt content marketing.
You learnt to be an Apple technician.
You learnt how to make web sites.
You learnt account management.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Prepare and relax.
Tomorrow is a new day.

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Let’s talk Depression

I’m new to Depression.

I was a happy kid and was blessed with a great childhood.

Up until about 2014, I was content with my life and a happy go lucky kind of guy but then suffered depression following the loss of 3 loved ones in a relatively short time period and never quite got over it.

In 2015, I was institutionalised three times and am now on happy pills.

Much to my disappointment that I need chemicals to get through each and every day.

The hard part though is that I do need to talk to someone but I just don’t know who or how.

The Doctor I see is useless and just loves the sound of his own voice and just makes digs at my psychotic delusions of the past.

I want to talk to my family but my Dad has Alzheimers and my Mum works hard and to be honest even talking to my brother I just don’t want to put people down with my negative thinking.

I don’t want to be this sad sap and I don’t know how to explain that I’m frightened to meet with people socially.

How do you tell people that for the first time in 30 years, I feel like a loser.

I feel unworthy and possess a deep feeling of sadness in the pit of my stomach.

 

I miss my Dad.

I miss my Dad that ruled monopoly, trivial pursuit and scrabble.

I miss the interesting stories that are now replaced by the few he remembers.

I miss being in the moment with him.

I miss his supportive words and his unquestioning belief in me.

I miss the talks that you can only have with your father.

I miss the way people used to laugh with him and smile and want to be in his company.

I miss the feeling of missing him and longing to hear his voice, ask his opinion and learn from his guidance.

I miss his confidence and being able to make my mum roar with laughter.

I miss his sense of adventure and his fascination with other people.

I miss looking up to a man that I have admired personally and professionally.

I miss the success and the pride of being one of his sons.

I miss the conversations and the lessons of life.

I miss the mind, the body and the soul.

I miss my Dad and I’m sad that Alzheimer’s has taken him from me with no return in sight.

One day he will forget more than birthdays and what day it is.

One day he will be unable to recognize me but not today, not yet.

Recently he told me “you’re a good guy”.

It wasn’t much but he struggles these days with words.

He put his hand on my knee and said it and it made me feel good.

It’s been a while since my Dad was able to give me a compliment.

To me, it meant he was proud of me. That I was going to be all right.

I’m struggling most days with my own disappointments and fears and he doesn’t know how to help but still he asks me how my day was.

He can’t keep up with conversations and he is intimated in group settings but he still feels. Sometimes when I get back from work I give him a kiss on the cheek and a long hug. He is always pleased to see me and it is the only way I can communicate to him. I’m saying to him, Dad I’m struggling, life is tough, I miss you and I miss myself but I’m glad you are still here and I love you very much.

My Dad has Alzheimers

I’m weak and fragile like a leaf, just one more blow and I will fall.

The recent events have felt like 12 rounds with Mohammed Ali and I couldn’t even see the fighter as the blindfold covered my eyes completely. I feel like that, like a boxer who has had his arse kicked.

My 3 worlds have all given me questions, concerns and been a factor in the slow chipping away of my character and shield of confidence. Leaving me raw and vulnerable.

 

The Family

We could lose the house. Not likely, but a possibility. For some baffling reason mum seems unfazed but this could just be other pressing matters taking precedence over a long-standing cloud we have had selling the house and paying off debts.

It is all too unsettling to think about my parents losing this and walking away with nothing. Such is level of my anxiety, I feel nauseous just thinking about it. 

I enjoyed my Sunday conversation with a family friend about my Dad and his business behavior and ventures. How like most men of his generation, his idea of his role was to be the provider. This meant handling the finances and keeping quiet to his wife and kids. Finances were either ordinary or good but never bad. This is a typical protective instinct to absorb the concerns and allowing the loved ones to enjoy their life.

That said, whenever I think about my Dad and his business ventures it leaves a strange taste in my mouth. Part of me feels angry that he didn’t share his business activities with full disclosure and thus future proofing the family interests in the event he would not be able.

The other part of me, feels regret for not picking up on indicators that his business was failing and so was his mental state of health. What kind of son, neglects these clear signs? Sure, his trips to Hamilton didn’t help and neither did the once a week visits, which were normally brief enough for it to be masked. Regret also that I didn’t take over his business that I know he wanted to hand over. I saw it in his eyes and heard in his voice when we had an argument about me giving up my web design business and all involvement in his companies. That was one of only two times that I feared my own Dad and didn’t recognize him with his behavior. He called me a quitter and all I wanted to do was be my own man. Not the boss’s son. The other time, I thought he was going to physically hit me but he just threw me out the house verbally instead when I supported mum in questioning what document she was signing.

It is very hard to know when the disease took hold and even harder to recognize them apart from the physical person you see before you.

He looks like my Dad, talks like my Dad but just is not.

Sometimes glimpses, emotion like a hug but not the same man who also had a new story, a new insight and could help me guide through life and business with wise words foiled in support

The truth is, I miss him.

Occasionally (but rarely) I even picture going to his funeral. It is morbid I know but it is also a final conclusion. This is not just about the absolute emotional anchorage that this disease causes but the man inside the disease whom is scared and afraid, incapable of independent activities and a safety danger to himself and others.

So, fuck you dementia and your little child Alzheimer’s. You have financially and emotionally destroyed the lives of the 4 of us family members including taking my Dad away from me. This all over maybe 5 years? Who knows when it began. I have resigned to the fact my Dad is mostly gone with a small whisper left but my mum I have hope for. I want her back and I need her around. During my days I could take the abusive boss, the bullies at school and no friends to hang out with but lord knows I wouldn’t have survived without my mum and my dad.

What is strange about going through Alzheimer’s in the family is that grieving comes at random stages. Its not always at diagnosis (it wasn’t initially for me) and it wont necessarily be at the funeral either. It’s comes in bursts or sometimes waves. Coming up slowly and then going away for a long while then it creeps back in and hits home hard and fast.

Jesus, there is a tear in my eye but men are not supposed to cry.

My mum says don’t worry just don’t worry but how can I not worry when this disease has taken my dad, hijacked mums emotions and energy and all the while run the risk it will get me later on in life or worse – my children.

Friday feeling

In 2 days I will be back at work, feeling lost and hopeless but not today, not now.

Today is Friday and some how I got through it.

I didn’t do much as I didn’t have the capability but I did learn a few small things and put them in to practice.

It has been overwhelming working for a company as big as this one.

A global, talent attracting organization that moves quickly and offers such a breadth of solutions.

I drove home with the sun still shining, the window down, my hand out, a cigarette in my mouth and my favorite music playing. Life is not that bad Liam.

Driving away from my worries, my fears and my problems.

Tomorrow I turn 30 years old which is something I have been looking forward to for some time but unfortunately it won’t be all I’d hope it would be.

By 30, I didn’t expect to ‘make it’ but I did expect to be on the path but then again life has its own plan, it’s a bitch like that.

I’m a thirty year old man sleeping on his parents floor with a debt of $15k and haven’t had an income for 8 months. What a year!

In 2014, I was emotionally struggling but professionally performing well.

In 2015 I broke down, I spent time in 3 mental institutions and I lost my mojo but many tears later I got my family back.